Are you open to receive the gifts that don’t feel like a gift?

Since this month at COR is all about the pillars of new beginnings and opening to receive, I figured I’d dive head first into this topic in my own life as well. It’s definitely been quite the experience so far!

So, last Monday, I began my morning meditation by saying the phrase Britta suggested, “I am open to receive the gifts this day will bring.” Immediately, I felt energized and actually excited by the possibility. I remember thinking, “What if I actually did this every day? How awesome would that be to open to whatever gifts may come my way?”

So you could say I was off to a hot start! That world was my oyster! And then the rest of Monday happened…

Within two hours after my rejuvenating and joyful meditation, I felt slammed with anger, pain, and anxiety. It was like every emotion I had bottled up or ignored within the past 3 months swelled up in my heart and I couldn’t keep it at bay anymore. And most of it was emotion I hadn’t even realized I had suppressed.

After my first feelings of overwhelm subsided, I surprisingly felt relieved and grateful. I know that I can struggle to connect with painful emotions and all of this was an opportunity to grow and receive the gifts these emotions were there to offer me. That’s my growth edge—leaning into uncomfortable feelings, facing them, and expressing them to the people I love most.

Specifically, my anger and pain stirred around one of my best friends. For months, I’d tried to set up one-on-one times to hang out, to connect in person rather than in a group or over text since we no longer worked together. And yet, due to the fact that she had an emergency or she was sick, multiple things piled up where she had canceled our plans. Originally, when these things happened, I said, “It’s fine, I understand” (my M.O.) and yet clearly these had escalated to the point where I now felt immense sadness when I thought of her as well as anger.

When I leaned into this, I learned that what I really feared that I was losing her, that she wouldn’t stay as one of my closest friends. Underneath that, was the fear and pain around the fact that I really needed her. I loved her and I needed her. That was even more terrifying to face. And I realized I needed to tell her all of this, rather than continue with the whole “I’m fine” thing.

So I did. That night, we finally hung out and I shared it all—my anger, my fear, my pain, and the fact that I needed her. It was terrifying. I had a knot in my stomach the whole time, fearful of how she might respond when I wasn’t the “nice one” who forgives easily. And this is where the real miracle happened: she heard and held all of it. She owned the ways in which she hadn’t shown up and she said, yes, of course, she loved me. I also got to hear more of what was happening for her in her life and the things she was struggling with.