The Surprising Lesson Learned from Staffing Noble Man

Earlier this month, we hosted a powerful Noble Man workshop where men from all over the country (and England!) came together for a truly transformational journey – it was such an honor to witness these Noble Men express their vulnerabilities and find deep healing in the presence of their brothers and sisters holding space for them.

One of our female staff members, Emily, had a great shift by staffing the workshop and realizing what it truly means to be of service.  I asked Emily to share with us in her own words about that shift, as it is fitting for the theme we have been exploring this month (Double Gift of Service and How Are You Serving Others).

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The Surprising Lesson I Learned From Staffing Noble Man

I’ve had the opportunity to staff many COB workshops, and each time I walk away with several “ah-ha” moments and new realizations about myself.  Sometimes positive, sometimes negative – but always tremendously healingand exactly what I need. 

When I staffed Noble Man earlier this month, I once again got a healthy dose of “exactly what I needed” even though it came in a way that I didn’t expect (but then again, isn’t that how these lessons usually show up?).

For the most part, the weekend was similar to my previous staffing experiences – my time was spent holding a strong space for the  participants, giving and receiving support from my fellow staff members, and eagerly awaiting the opportunity to witness the participants’ transformational breakthroughs.

It was clear that every participant had a huge transformation at some point during the weekend, and I felt honored to have played a role in a few of those breakthroughs. 

But on Saturday night at our evening staff meeting before bed, I felt upset.  Disconnected.  Disappointed.  While I thought I had every intention of providing unconditional support for the participants that weekend, I realized that I was also hoping to get something in return. 

I was seeking some kind of validation from the participants and staff members that I had done a “good job” as a staff member.  I wanted someone to tell me that I had, in fact, changed their life.  I wanted the high of hearing that someone was completely overwhelmed with gratitude for me.  And none of that happened.

So was I truly acting in service if I was hoping to get validation, love, and gratitude in return?  Nope. 

There was an unwanted stickiness in my serving that had a light shined on it that weekend.  I realized that if I am going to continue to genuinely serve others, as I feel my healthy self wants to do, then I can’t go into these situations secretly wanting my service to be reciprocated somehow. 

The external validation that felt like it was missing for me at Noble Man is the very thing that I am learning how to provide for myself, so I can serve lovingly and cleanly.  I realized more than ever how important it is for me to fill my own cup first so I can give freely to others, without expecting anything from them in return.

And thanks to the safe, loving container created by the COB staff, I was able to come face to face with the shadow side of wanting to help others and take the first steps in transforming it into something positive.

By Sunday, as the staff and participants said our goodbyes, I felt great.  It was so freeing for me to not have an attachment to what someone did or didn’t say to me at the end of the workshop.  I felt empowered and whole with this new frame for what it means to be of service.  Which is exactly what I needed.

– Emily Nelson, COB Community Member

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Blessings,

Lee Eskey