As we’ve all experienced in one way or another, sexuality is a powerful part of our humanity. At COB we view it as a precious gift and a mighty force that is really an outward expression of the deepest part of our humanity – our greatest fulfillment is to be a gift.

We are made for love and communion. It’s imprinted right in our bodies, in our sex. And nothing has the ability to express that human potential for love like our sexuality. When we’re honest, we also know sexuality, when not fully appreciated and embraced from our healthy self, can also be very destructive.

One of the paths of “destructive” sexuality is the Stoic.

From the Stoic perspective sexuality is too powerful – or bad – to deal with. It’s easier to pretend it’s not there. The Stoic has the ability to deny reality, including all the good around him or her because it all feels like too much. In comparison the Stoic feels like “too little”.

Perhaps more than anything the Stoic wants control and that control usually takes the form of saying “NO” to just about anything that might stretch or challenge her or him to loose control, and let go.

Often, this “NO” to life comes with harsh judgment about one’s self and others. It’s easier to pretend we don’t have a sexuality than to deal with the potentially messy option of discovering sexuality is a potent, passionate and essential part of us.

stoic heart

At the core, the Stoic is a skeptic – distrusting self, others, and even Grace.  And the Stoic is scared. From this viewpoint there’s no room for gratitude, so life seems small, tight and dull. Gratitude requires trust and risk and that’s too threatening for the Stoic.

The Stoic can show up as asexual – disconnected from his or her sexuality, embracing neither the risks nor joys of his or her sexuality, going along as though the pull of sexuality isn’t there or isn’t very important.

Or a Stoic can be very judgmental of others behavior while actually jealous of those he or she judges. Or a Stoic might also pretend to be “highly spiritual” and “evolved”. “Sexuality is for the unenlightened” says the Stoic. “I’m above that.” 

All the while, that deep longing to be met, to be a gift, to commune, that ache in the heart pulses on. If the Stoic represses that long enough, inevitably the Addict comes roaring out of the shadows. We’ll take a look at the Addict next week.

The Stoic is just a part of the Defended Self and we all let our Stoic drive the bus from time to time and in our own unique ways. That part of us, like all parts, needs our compassion.

I invite you to spend some time reflecting on how the Stoic shows up in your sexuality. 

  • Where do you find your Stoic showing up in your life?
  • Where do you block love or where have you given up?
  • Is there fear that might be worth exploring? What’s your Stoic’s deeper need?

Please share your thoughts on our Facebook page as we continue looking at the Stoic and Addict so we can bring our sexuality to it’s fullest potential in the path of the Mystic.  We love to hear from you.